Dear Jay Rayner,
Thank you for your email this morning. I am so sorry to have offended you by calling you unhealthy and implying that the dark circles under your eyes are related to a liver condition. There are lots of reasons for dark circles under the eyes, one of which is genetics. So therefore your dark circles under your handsome eyes may have nothing to do with your liver. Not even if it has recently eaten foie gras on at least four continents. I also have dark circles under my eyes but it’s not a genetic condition that affects the colour of my skin, it’s a genetic predisposition affecting the way my liver processes fats… But this is not about me – I now see that I was utterly and completely wrong. You, however, are 100% right that in the 36 seconds we met, it is completely unfeasible that I could assess your health accurately. I also apologise for the endless profuse and embarrassingly obsequious list of compliments I wrote in my piece about you. Perhaps it’s disturbing to hear nice things? I’d love it! I apologise from the bottom of my heart for that and for, as you pointed out, wasting your time on my bizarre question. I actually found you inspiring… Are we raw food people nuts or what! I hope you can forgive me at some time in the near future and that should other ‘fans’ bother you with their questions covering topics as bizarre as nutritious food, you will be just as polite.
And oh – among the many personal and professional defects you kindly pointed out to me in your email, I can safely say I am absolutely comfortable with my status as a hypocrite, a hack, a quack and a waste of time, but I find most offence and nearly choked to death on my alfalfa sprout and coconut water smoothy (recipe to follow) at your implication that I may be a Daily Mail writer. That’s not nice Jay!
Thanks though for your invitation to a gym challenge and sorry I can’t make it. The only challenge I would propose to you is to eat raw fruit and vegetables for a month. Only 28 days!!! Just think about it – we can get the best raw chefs in the UK to feed you (although SAF may not want to be involved…) and the best nutritionists to monitor your health inside out. It’ll be a kind of reverse Super Size Me. Come on!!! YOU can do it!!! You know you want to… You’ll feel a lot less angry at us lovely, happy, healthy, bouncy vegans…
The RF Hypocrite
PS: Thanks for reminding me about the democracy of the Web.